maybe, yes.. i'm indeed a mad girl.
who is trying hard in vain to study hard.
not only for herself, but also for her parents.
did they see that?

firstly, can you just stop comparing me to the other three sisters, mom? and then you kept saying.. 'anak orang lain boleh buat tu blahblahblah..' so can i say that mak orang lain boleh understand what their children are going through, by listening to them? instead of listening, and even before i could finish my sentence.. you told me not to be rude because i talked back. that is not talking back, i was just trying to explain.. but forget it. i shouldn't have tried at the very first place.

when i didn't clean up my room, i do have the reasons.. but there she starts comparing me to my perfect sisters. saying they're not like that when they are young.. that i was the worst among all. thanks.. really. you know, i tried my best to not play the computer during weekdays, except for today.. because i wanted to print out the pictures for my art and also blog, chat like other teenagers would.. and i didn't just sit there and waste my time away, mom. i can't afford to even think of that when all i've got is until september.

i couldn't even tell her what i have in mind.. like when i would tidy up my room, and i've already planned my time.. but i wasn't given the chance to make a deal with her. i'm mentally exhausted, you know? i know you're working too, mom. but school is stressing every inch of me but i didn't share this to anyone at home. because i don't want to trouble anyone, thinking they are already tired after working. going to school doesn't need any energy, i guess?

at least i appreciate your presence, mom. rather than others who just took their parents for granted, and just go back to their parents when they are in trouble. maybe i should tell these little things to you.. how i'm trying to strive in my academics, how i tried to save the money you gave everyday to buy whatever i need for school, how i wished i was the one who was sick rather than you who felt weak these days, how i wish i have all the money in the world just so i could give it to you and you don't even need to work anymore and how i'm thankful to have a mom like you.

but there's some things i can't do now. remember that i am still a teenager, still learning while i stumbled my way through what they called life. remember that sisters and me are very far apart in terms of the age.. and when you look at them, don't reflect them to me. i still need your financial support unlike them who are already working.. sometimes even if i need something real bad, i forced myself not to ask you because you would look in a way that; 'yang lain tak mintak aku duit, yang ni selalu nak duit.. nak beli tu lah nak beli ni lah.'

i am going to be sixteen. still schooling. have you forgotten? i've realised that it's hard to communicate something deeper besides school. before, i tried not to think that a big age gap would be a problem for us to share problems or what i have anything in mind with my family members.. but indeed, it is true. i cannot deny it. sometimes i wonder, if they have gone through teenage life before.. especially my sisters. it seems that some things i do would be a big no-no to them, even though it's something a teenager would do.

i don't know. sometimes i felt that they think that they are grown ups now, they have gone through their teenage days.. but don't forget that i still have mine. let me have a taste of it.. like going out with friends, just destressing myself after five days of stressing at school etc. it's just so hard for me to speak up.. and just talk to them regarding my life, my personal matters other than school and just school. afterall.. i'm still a kid to their eyes. sorry if i sound rude or whatever.. whenever i speak up, it's always regarded as being rude anyway.

what a life.
ahhh i feel much better now.

nevermind if others just see the bad side of us,
because we ourselves know what we're doing.
and i know that all i'm doing right now is..
just reaching out for the passport to the next level of my life.
even if others don't see the effort i'm putting in.

and everyone is different, even if we have the same blood gushing through our veins.